Day 27/28

I skipped yesterday because I wasn't feeling very well. I am getting better, so I thought that I ought to catch up. I have been missing company lately. Going to the tea house on Saturday nights does help, as does the Farmer's Market. However, the farmer's market is nearing it's end, and I really need people that I can hang out with spontaneously. I have been day dreaming incessantly about every boy/man I have ever liked and/or dated. Every kiss, every hug, every cutesy conversations or romantic gesture. Honestly, I feel pathetic doing it, but as horrible as it makes me feel, it is better than the lonely feeling I get when I acknowledge  that I will most likely never marry and have a family like most of my friends. As I age, I have relationships that get progressively deeper and more intense.

Unfortunately, the more I get into relationships, the less comfortable I feel being someone's girlfriend. I feel bad for them having to deal with all of my issues. Even the normal issues (like being grumpy for a few days at the end of each month, and getting mood swings). The best advice I ever got about relationships was to be yourself, and be happy with yourself as an individual first. That worked horribly in every relationship I have ever been in. I have never been happy as an individual, and when I act like myself, I scare people away or offend them. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. I have always felt this way; ever since my friends started to go on dates in grade school. I knew that being in any relationship- let alone a healthy one- would be difficult or impossible for me. This fact makes me intensely depressed. It is the same way with friendships or any type of relationship. I love people, and -assuming that I didn't scare them off- they love my quirky independent personality. After awhile though, I begin to feel guilty about everything I do. I become weird and crazy (in a bad way). Then when the going gets tough, most people get going.

The brave few that stick around are rewarded with my bitching and worrying. They are rewarded with my insecurity, and with my dependency and break downs. They get the honor of seeing me panic over insignificant details and they are the ones that have to hold my hands as I fight for each breath in my quest to calm down and handle normal life. Any boyfriend I have gets the added bonus of my lack of sexual instinct and my phallophobia mixed in with the bunch.

It is a truly vicious cycle. I have social issues that make me insecure. My insecurity drives people away. When people no longer want to socialize with me, I get insecure. See how that works?

I am on a good path right now. I still have a few job options, and I am gathering some school options. If all else fails, I will rent a cheap ass room in SD and work in the school district. I will only do that if things get desperate here. If I get my way, I will get a part time seasonal job here until January, then go back to CSUN, and complete my BA.