Day 6/7

      Yesterday was Sunday. It was horrible. I woke up tired from the night before, and I was short of breath. I was also feeling queasy. I told my parents this, but insisted that I wanted to go to church with them. As we got closer to church, I felt worse and worse. By the time we made it to church, I knew that I would either vomit or have a panic attack in church. For this reason, I told my parents that I wanted to sit in the back, so as to not attract attention due to a hasty exit.
        Good thing I did. I didn't make it through worship before my hands and legs got numb and tingly. My breath shortened even more, and my heart rate spiked. I tried to fight it. I distracted myself, I focused on breathing right. I did everything I could, but before I knew it, my hands were clenched in an unrelaxable fist. My head was between my knees, and my dad had to support my full body weight in order to get me out of the sanctuary.
       We went outside, and several people followed. I have no concept of how long it took to calm me down, but it definitely got worse before it got better. There was one woman messaging my shoulders, my dad held my hands, at least one person was praying for me off and on. A friend of ours got some tissue and water. It was chaotic to me. I hate that there was so much attention focused at me. I would have been embarrassed if I were more alert.
      As I began to calm down, the other people left. I think I was in tears almost the rest of the service, which we never went back to. My dad and I talked the entire time. We touched on various subjects, and I agreed to seek psychiatric care. So, more shrinks for me. Yay. Basically, everyone knows I'm not normal. I like to joke that at least I'm the good kind of crazy, but as time goes on, it seems that I am also the 'bad' kind of crazy as well. Maybe soon I will have a label for it. Who knows.
       Doctors are so quick to put labels on people these days, that everyone has something wrong with them. Oy. As much as I hate the idea, if I am labeled, maybe I can work towards feeling more balanced in life by learning about my disorder.


Today was better. I had an interview with Subway. Hopefully, I will hear back in a week or so, and have a job. Fingers crossed.