Or should I say 9/11? Yesterday was the twelfth anniversary of the falling of the twin towers. That, however was not the reason that I did not post. I did not post because I was a zombie yesterday. I did get out of the house, which is good, but I wasn't feeling good. Hell, I'm feeling sick right now, but at least my emotional state is better.
I have some good news, though. I called the school, and they said that I if I submit a form that tells them when I am graduating, I can still be awarded money for spring semester, and still show up. In fact, they said, I can still show up for Fall semester. :O I don't think that would work out though. I am going to talk to my parents about it, and see what we can do. Obviously, I would love to go back to college for the Fall, but I would have to do everything today and tomorrow...that would probably not work out. So, Spring semester it is! If I submit the form today, I won't hear from financial aid until November, but at least I have time to work out the details.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Day 8
Wow, I am trying so hard to keep/ start a routine, but I can never seem to do everything on my list. It's not a long list. It's not a difficult list. None of the things on the list are things that I am trying to avoid. (Normally). So, why is it so difficult to do? Am I really going to have to revert to the old way of doing things? Again? Grrrr. I think I might do it opposite this time. That is at least a bit less frustrating. Instead of starting with only one thing on the list, I will start with ten, since that is usually the number of things on my list now. Every day that I don't complete the full list, I take one item away until there is a day that I do the full list. Once that happens, I go in the other direction. Every day that I can complete the full list, I am allowed to add to the list, until it has ten items again. If I am consistently successful with ten items, then I can start taking off small items, and replacing them with bigger items. This is especially helpful because most of the things on my list now, are things that I try to do every day- i.e. walk the dog, write in my blog, do a typing test...etc. Eventually, the goal is to do these things everyday without thinking. They should become a habit.
On another note, I have been self-diagnosed with BPD. AKA Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked up several disorders and phobias, but that one seemed to fit me pretty well. The only thing is that I don't have anger problems. Other than that, I fill the bill. I have to wait to see a real psychiatrist though.
On another note, I have been self-diagnosed with BPD. AKA Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked up several disorders and phobias, but that one seemed to fit me pretty well. The only thing is that I don't have anger problems. Other than that, I fill the bill. I have to wait to see a real psychiatrist though.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Day 6/7
Yesterday was Sunday. It was horrible. I woke up tired from the night before, and I was short of breath. I was also feeling queasy. I told my parents this, but insisted that I wanted to go to church with them. As we got closer to church, I felt worse and worse. By the time we made it to church, I knew that I would either vomit or have a panic attack in church. For this reason, I told my parents that I wanted to sit in the back, so as to not attract attention due to a hasty exit.
Good thing I did. I didn't make it through worship before my hands and legs got numb and tingly. My breath shortened even more, and my heart rate spiked. I tried to fight it. I distracted myself, I focused on breathing right. I did everything I could, but before I knew it, my hands were clenched in an unrelaxable fist. My head was between my knees, and my dad had to support my full body weight in order to get me out of the sanctuary.
We went outside, and several people followed. I have no concept of how long it took to calm me down, but it definitely got worse before it got better. There was one woman messaging my shoulders, my dad held my hands, at least one person was praying for me off and on. A friend of ours got some tissue and water. It was chaotic to me. I hate that there was so much attention focused at me. I would have been embarrassed if I were more alert.
As I began to calm down, the other people left. I think I was in tears almost the rest of the service, which we never went back to. My dad and I talked the entire time. We touched on various subjects, and I agreed to seek psychiatric care. So, more shrinks for me. Yay. Basically, everyone knows I'm not normal. I like to joke that at least I'm the good kind of crazy, but as time goes on, it seems that I am also the 'bad' kind of crazy as well. Maybe soon I will have a label for it. Who knows.
Doctors are so quick to put labels on people these days, that everyone has something wrong with them. Oy. As much as I hate the idea, if I am labeled, maybe I can work towards feeling more balanced in life by learning about my disorder.
Today was better. I had an interview with Subway. Hopefully, I will hear back in a week or so, and have a job. Fingers crossed.
Good thing I did. I didn't make it through worship before my hands and legs got numb and tingly. My breath shortened even more, and my heart rate spiked. I tried to fight it. I distracted myself, I focused on breathing right. I did everything I could, but before I knew it, my hands were clenched in an unrelaxable fist. My head was between my knees, and my dad had to support my full body weight in order to get me out of the sanctuary.
We went outside, and several people followed. I have no concept of how long it took to calm me down, but it definitely got worse before it got better. There was one woman messaging my shoulders, my dad held my hands, at least one person was praying for me off and on. A friend of ours got some tissue and water. It was chaotic to me. I hate that there was so much attention focused at me. I would have been embarrassed if I were more alert.
As I began to calm down, the other people left. I think I was in tears almost the rest of the service, which we never went back to. My dad and I talked the entire time. We touched on various subjects, and I agreed to seek psychiatric care. So, more shrinks for me. Yay. Basically, everyone knows I'm not normal. I like to joke that at least I'm the good kind of crazy, but as time goes on, it seems that I am also the 'bad' kind of crazy as well. Maybe soon I will have a label for it. Who knows.
Doctors are so quick to put labels on people these days, that everyone has something wrong with them. Oy. As much as I hate the idea, if I am labeled, maybe I can work towards feeling more balanced in life by learning about my disorder.
Today was better. I had an interview with Subway. Hopefully, I will hear back in a week or so, and have a job. Fingers crossed.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Day 5
I have decided (again) to towards being healthier. This is definitive proof that I will be getting a job on Monday. Ok, no it isn't, but it seems as though every time I really start trying to get healthy, or start some kind of routine, something big changes it. I am now subscribing to the "Primitive Blueprint". Basically, this is just living the way we imagine people did before all the social bullshit that has become a part of our daily lives. No more fast food, over-processed food, or being on the computer all day. Here is the complete 10 step program:
1. Eat lots of animals, insects, and plants. Easy, just avoid processed crap
2. Move around a lot at a slow pace. I do this already
3. Lift heavy things. First I have to find things to lift. (I guess I count...)
4. Run really fast every once in awhile. I do this as well
5. Get lots of sleep. Good to go.
6. Play. Obviously Mosa is a good motivator for this
7. Get some sunlight everyday. Again, done and done
8. Avoid trauma/drama. Harder than you think, but possible
9. Avoid poisonous things. Done
10. Use your mind. I try to do this whenever possible
The only one I have a problem with is "Lift heavy things" because I don't see a circumstance when I would do this naturally.
Friday, September 6, 2013
day 3/4
Yesterday, I forgot to blog, but I remembered today. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I am dog sitting, so it's easy to forget. Then again, because of dog-sitting, I am not doing much aside from watching TV and playing with the dogs., so it should be easier to Remember to blog.PS I AM POSTING VIA TABLET, SO IT IS HARDER TO EDIT.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Day 2
I did it! I remembered to post a blog blurb. Hehe blog blurb. I think I am finally ready to buy a planner. I used to be as bad with planners, as I am with journals and blogging, but for the last week or so, I have been writing to do lists everyday. Also, I finally found a planner that meets all of my needs.
On another note, I got free cheese today! "Throw the cheese!" I was at the farmer's market downtown, talking to this guy at the cheese booth, when he just up and offers me some cheese. He gave me an assortment of cheeses and bid me good day. :) My mom was really happy when I told her.
I am so glad that I am feeling better. This are looking up in general for me, and that helps a lot. I have a dog-sitting job this weekend, and an interview on Monday. Yay being alive.
So, that is my little post for today.
Hasta La Vista!
On another note, I got free cheese today! "Throw the cheese!" I was at the farmer's market downtown, talking to this guy at the cheese booth, when he just up and offers me some cheese. He gave me an assortment of cheeses and bid me good day. :) My mom was really happy when I told her.
I am so glad that I am feeling better. This are looking up in general for me, and that helps a lot. I have a dog-sitting job this weekend, and an interview on Monday. Yay being alive.
So, that is my little post for today.
Hasta La Vista!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
I'm back
The reason I started this blog in the first place was to encourage myself to write. I had a physical journal all through high school, but stopped writing in it, because I felt that my life was sort of boring. I thought that maybe if I had an online journal, I would be more likely to write in it. I was wrong. In fact, this blog has turned out probably worse than my physical journal. I'm more lazy because I don't always feel like signing in. I wonder what would happen if I made it a goal to do a post every single day for a month. The rules would be that I had to sign in and make a post. It wouldn't matter how long that post was, as long as I did it every day. I think I should do that. Any who, since I am never on here, I don't know what to catch you up on. Hold on as I re-read my most recent posts in an effort to catch myself up.
OK. My last post was about enlisting. I was living in Campo, with Walter, and working as an SEA. Got it. Well, I finally got in contact with a recruiter, but I wasn't allowed to enlist because of the scars on my arm. I told them that I don't do it anymore and that I would be more than happy to take any sort of test they needed to prove I wasn't crazy, but they didn't care. They said there was nothing I could do to get me into the military. It was a very sad day for me.
After that, I applied for border patrol....haven't heard from them either. So, around the end of July, Walter's family moved, and I moved back in with my parents. It isn't horrible living with them, but I know that I want my own place as soon as I can. Living in Bend always depresses me. I would be fine if I had a social group and a job, and a church, but I don't. As it is, I just go to farmers markets, send in applications, and surf the web. It makes me stir crazy, but even activities that I really enjoy become dull when there is no one to share them with.
As per usual, within a month of being here, I met a guy...and also broke up with him. Luckily for me, at least this guy was a decent guy. He just had to move. It sucks that I love military men so much. I think that for now I am going to avoid dating, As lonely as that sounds (and will be), I can't stand the idea that I keep losing guys because one of us moves. I move, he moves, I move again. It sucks. It's hard enough to find a decent guy, but always having to break up just because of geography is maddening. I am going back to school in January if everything works out.
From there, I should be stable until I graduate, and then I plan on getting a job in San Diego, and moving in with my friend Liz. Let's see if that works out. Actually, being her roommate wasn't bad. Our only real problem was space. If we had our own rooms, we would have probably been fine.
I should have stayed in the dorms instead of moving out with Katie. Neither of us could have anticipated that our relationship would deteriorate the way it did, but I can't help but think that if I hadn't been so impatient, we would still be friends. I like to say that I don't believe in the word regret. I heard this quote. It basically said not to regret what you do, because at one point in time, that action was worth it to you. If things don't work the way you wanted it to, then you learn from it, and move on. I don't believe in regret most of the time, but when I am depressed, it seems like the only thing I believe in.
For the last couple of days, I have been feeling lethargic and unmotivated. I can barely get up and get out of bed. i have to literally force myself to eat. The only things I can convince myself I want to eat are hot dogs and potato chips. The good thing is that I am finally drinking appropriate amounts of water. My mom is letting me borrow a water bottle while I live here. It is green, and can hold roughly 32 oz. of water. I usually drink about two bottles a day, which makes 64 oz. of water consumed. I was eating really well before, and exercising everyday, but for some reason, I can't now. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Gah. I feel slightly better today, and I am going to force myself to go outside tomorrow. Hopefully getting active will help me. Also, I am going to force myself to eat good meals tomorrow. I have to be careful, because I might get sick doing that. Yesterday was the worst. I forced myself to eat some soup and had to sleep off the nausea for the rest of the day. ICK.
In other words, I am still looking for a job. I had several leads that went nowhere, much to my utter disappointment. I am now doing day labor to get some kind of income. At least I have that. On Saturday, I was a crowd management officer. This weekend, I will be dog sitting. Yay! Dog sitting sounds fun. Not much money in it, but what can you expect from friends? ;) That's all for now.
OK. My last post was about enlisting. I was living in Campo, with Walter, and working as an SEA. Got it. Well, I finally got in contact with a recruiter, but I wasn't allowed to enlist because of the scars on my arm. I told them that I don't do it anymore and that I would be more than happy to take any sort of test they needed to prove I wasn't crazy, but they didn't care. They said there was nothing I could do to get me into the military. It was a very sad day for me.
After that, I applied for border patrol....haven't heard from them either. So, around the end of July, Walter's family moved, and I moved back in with my parents. It isn't horrible living with them, but I know that I want my own place as soon as I can. Living in Bend always depresses me. I would be fine if I had a social group and a job, and a church, but I don't. As it is, I just go to farmers markets, send in applications, and surf the web. It makes me stir crazy, but even activities that I really enjoy become dull when there is no one to share them with.
As per usual, within a month of being here, I met a guy...and also broke up with him. Luckily for me, at least this guy was a decent guy. He just had to move. It sucks that I love military men so much. I think that for now I am going to avoid dating, As lonely as that sounds (and will be), I can't stand the idea that I keep losing guys because one of us moves. I move, he moves, I move again. It sucks. It's hard enough to find a decent guy, but always having to break up just because of geography is maddening. I am going back to school in January if everything works out.
From there, I should be stable until I graduate, and then I plan on getting a job in San Diego, and moving in with my friend Liz. Let's see if that works out. Actually, being her roommate wasn't bad. Our only real problem was space. If we had our own rooms, we would have probably been fine.
I should have stayed in the dorms instead of moving out with Katie. Neither of us could have anticipated that our relationship would deteriorate the way it did, but I can't help but think that if I hadn't been so impatient, we would still be friends. I like to say that I don't believe in the word regret. I heard this quote. It basically said not to regret what you do, because at one point in time, that action was worth it to you. If things don't work the way you wanted it to, then you learn from it, and move on. I don't believe in regret most of the time, but when I am depressed, it seems like the only thing I believe in.
For the last couple of days, I have been feeling lethargic and unmotivated. I can barely get up and get out of bed. i have to literally force myself to eat. The only things I can convince myself I want to eat are hot dogs and potato chips. The good thing is that I am finally drinking appropriate amounts of water. My mom is letting me borrow a water bottle while I live here. It is green, and can hold roughly 32 oz. of water. I usually drink about two bottles a day, which makes 64 oz. of water consumed. I was eating really well before, and exercising everyday, but for some reason, I can't now. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. Gah. I feel slightly better today, and I am going to force myself to go outside tomorrow. Hopefully getting active will help me. Also, I am going to force myself to eat good meals tomorrow. I have to be careful, because I might get sick doing that. Yesterday was the worst. I forced myself to eat some soup and had to sleep off the nausea for the rest of the day. ICK.
In other words, I am still looking for a job. I had several leads that went nowhere, much to my utter disappointment. I am now doing day labor to get some kind of income. At least I have that. On Saturday, I was a crowd management officer. This weekend, I will be dog sitting. Yay! Dog sitting sounds fun. Not much money in it, but what can you expect from friends? ;) That's all for now.
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