Day 30

Also known as "5 Reasons that I am a moron"
5. I forget things that are important
4. I can't take a hint
3. I think I can make things work, when I can't
2. I can't let things or people go
1. I emailed my ex, even though I'm pretty sure he forgot about me by now.

So, in March Connor and I broke up. It was a very tearful day for both of us, but he had to move, and nothing was going to change it. He made the decision and I let him. I didn't want our last day together be a fight. Since then, there have been a handful of emails between us. They are very far and few between. Only one or two have been initiated by him. The others were when I emailed him. I have thought about him almost incessantly since then. I want him in my life- even if it is not as a boyfriend. The boyfriend ship has sailed, but why must we be strangers? It isn't like we wanted to break up! If that was the case (like with Sevan) then I could understand that. Also, I still talk to Sevan and Frank. Both of them are on my FB page, and when I broke up with Frank, it was most definitely pretty. We talked after, but the initial break up consisted of me telling him to take a hike. We still talk. Maybe it is because Connor broke up with me, and not the other way around? IDK. I am pathetic. Any ways, I emailed Connor this morning, telling him how I feel. I knew that I would feel awful once I sent it, but that didn't stop me. I still did it. Now, I anxiously await his response. It could take anywhere from a few more hours, to weeks or even months before he replies; I am in knots about this. I don't know what to do.

Day 29

Today is Walter's birthday! Haha, I am planning on making old man jokes all day :P. Also, the government is shut down, because congress is having a temper tantrum, and no one knows how to act like adults and play nice there. It doesn't effect me at all yet, but I hope that it won't effect getting financial aid from the online school I plan to go to. I have decided to give up on CSUN for good. I am planning on going to WGU. It is an online school based in Utah. This means that when I get my teacher's licence, it will be for Utah. I will then have to go through California laws to get a licence to teach there. I like the way the school is set up. When you enroll in classes, you take one class at a time, and finish it at your leisure. Of course, for people like me, that want to be done as soon as possible, I can take the assessments for each class, and move on that much quicker. There are a few things that I have to take at the right pace (like classroom observation-100 hours, and student teaching- 12 to 18 weeks) for a total of about five months-ish. Aside from that, it is mostly up to me how many classes I take per term, and how fast I finish. I am going to start applying and whatnot today, so that I can enroll for the December term.

Day 27/28

I skipped yesterday because I wasn't feeling very well. I am getting better, so I thought that I ought to catch up. I have been missing company lately. Going to the tea house on Saturday nights does help, as does the Farmer's Market. However, the farmer's market is nearing it's end, and I really need people that I can hang out with spontaneously. I have been day dreaming incessantly about every boy/man I have ever liked and/or dated. Every kiss, every hug, every cutesy conversations or romantic gesture. Honestly, I feel pathetic doing it, but as horrible as it makes me feel, it is better than the lonely feeling I get when I acknowledge  that I will most likely never marry and have a family like most of my friends. As I age, I have relationships that get progressively deeper and more intense.

Unfortunately, the more I get into relationships, the less comfortable I feel being someone's girlfriend. I feel bad for them having to deal with all of my issues. Even the normal issues (like being grumpy for a few days at the end of each month, and getting mood swings). The best advice I ever got about relationships was to be yourself, and be happy with yourself as an individual first. That worked horribly in every relationship I have ever been in. I have never been happy as an individual, and when I act like myself, I scare people away or offend them. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. I have always felt this way; ever since my friends started to go on dates in grade school. I knew that being in any relationship- let alone a healthy one- would be difficult or impossible for me. This fact makes me intensely depressed. It is the same way with friendships or any type of relationship. I love people, and -assuming that I didn't scare them off- they love my quirky independent personality. After awhile though, I begin to feel guilty about everything I do. I become weird and crazy (in a bad way). Then when the going gets tough, most people get going.

The brave few that stick around are rewarded with my bitching and worrying. They are rewarded with my insecurity, and with my dependency and break downs. They get the honor of seeing me panic over insignificant details and they are the ones that have to hold my hands as I fight for each breath in my quest to calm down and handle normal life. Any boyfriend I have gets the added bonus of my lack of sexual instinct and my phallophobia mixed in with the bunch.

It is a truly vicious cycle. I have social issues that make me insecure. My insecurity drives people away. When people no longer want to socialize with me, I get insecure. See how that works?

I am on a good path right now. I still have a few job options, and I am gathering some school options. If all else fails, I will rent a cheap ass room in SD and work in the school district. I will only do that if things get desperate here. If I get my way, I will get a part time seasonal job here until January, then go back to CSUN, and complete my BA.

Day 26

Sometimes people can be really awful. I know that I have been awful to people before. On the other hand, sometimes people will surprise you. Today, my mom took me cloths shopping. She was very patient with me, and for that I am impressed. It is so not easy to cloths shop with me. I know this. I almost always HATE shopping for cloths. I am very picky. It has to be exactly what I imagined in my head, match to at least two things in my closet, look good on me, be able to dress up or down, fit, feel right, and be cheap. Needless to say, I don't have very many cloths in my closet. I also buy cloths that I don't like when I really need cloths.

I cheated today on the diet. It's OK, because technically I am still on track with my plan. My breakfasts are still all eggs, with occasional fruit. Therefore, my breakfasts are still 100% paleo. On Tuesday, I will have to figure out what I am going to do for lunches, as they will need to be paleo, starting October first. O.O It's not that I have a problem with the idea; I just don't know what we have that is easy to make. I guess I will find out.

Day 25

I am getting very close to the 30 day mark. Only five more days. I will get there on Wednesday, October 2nd. Of course, after that will be my appointment with the new psychologist. I really don't like sitting in a room, talking to some professional. I don't. Last time I did that, I got worse.

Today was a very tiring day. I am starting to feel guilty about the job search thing, so I will continue on Monday again.... I have no problems with working hard. I do have a problem with working hard on something with no guarantee of a profitable outcome. That is how I feel about job hunting. I go out for hours a day, or spend hours on a computer, filling out app after app, and following up with the companies, only to be turned down again and again. If I knew that I would definitely get a job within, say... fifty applications, I would have a job already. I would work tirelessly to fill out those applications.

 I feel the same way with people. If I could say that I would find the man of my dreams within X amount of relationships, I would be married already. Also, people don't have formulas. Sometimes people act happy to see you, even if they hate you. You tell a joke, and they laugh, but if you tell the joke again, it's not funny. I just wish that there were formulas for everything. I wish that if you figured out the formula for something, you could be successful.

I don't even have a formula for myself. I don't even understand myself. How can I be expected to understand how to deal with other people???? AND on top of all of that, every person is different. So, if X works with this person in this situation, it might not work with another person in a similar situation. It might not even work on the same person in a seemingly identical situation later on down the road. GAH!

Animals are easier. Even though they all are unique, they are easier to understand than people, and quicker to learn as well. Certain breeds act this way, and certain actions bring about this response. I would say that if I were to describe animals and people in math terms, people are like theoretical physics, and animals are like algebra. Even though there are general laws in physics, people still can only guess at half of the stuff, and still end up arguing about whether or not it is right. However in algebra, the methods are different for solving a problem, but the answer is still the same.

Day 24

So, today I woke up feeling really sick. I don't want to gross you out with the details, but suffice to say, it wasn't pretty. The symptoms are off and on, and I am hoping to finish typing this before I feel badly again. Yesterday, I went to the farmer's market early to watch everyone set up. There are only two more weeks left, and that makes me a little bit sad. I mean, what am I going to do on Wednesdays now? I know that it is reasonable to realize that farmer's markets are not year round, because their product is not year round. The thing to do is get information from the ones that are year round, and buy from them if possible after the market is over. That will be very difficult, but I will try it. Of course, that is dependent on my being able to find a job, and make money. Oh, well.

I Skipped A Day, So Sue Me/ Day 23

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I spent the morning looking for a psychologist, and the rest of the day waiting for my mom to get home and work with me. I watched too much TV, but what else is there to do? My dad said to not worry about the job hunt or anything else for now, because we need to find a psychologist first.

This morning, my mom went into surgery. Don't worry, it was a minor one. They put a scope down her throat. She went under, so now she is going to sleep the rest of the day. I am looking forward to Farmer's Market again today. I am a bit nervous, because I want to help Pat again, but I don't know if I did a good enough job last time for him to ask again. Even if he doesn't, I finally have the money to buy some elk meat. :D I am also going to buy some mozzarella. I can't wait. I am going to be hungry all day.

Day 21

I was so close to saying, "whatever" about blogging today. I spent the whole day, looking for a job, came home exhausted, and then had this huge discussion with my parents about my future. Tomorrow, my mom and I are going to try and find someone to diagnose me. -_-   i...cant...wait..... <----- yes, sarcasm. On the plus side, I held baby ferrets, and a bunny. I also bought two coconuts. Yayz.

Day 20

Board Game Night was very fun, as usual. There were only four other people. I originally thought that less people meant less fun, but I was wrong. I was more fun, because we got to know each other better that way. 

Today was a lazy day. I took the dog to the playground. Good news: even though the playground does not have a pull up bar, it does have a bar that I can use for assisted pull-ups. Better than I thought, right?

Day 19

I figured out why everyone insists that you stretch before doing handstands. I am so sore today. My shoulders, legs, and back are sore. I also found a couple new bruises. Lesson learned stretch everyday. Get limber and strong. The good news is that I am getting closer to being able to balance on my hands, and kicking my feet high enough to become inverted. Once I am strong enough to hold my body-weight, I will be able to stay upside down longer. I am taking a break from handstands today (maybe) because of my soreness. I don't want to push my self too far, and get injured.

Day 18

I am so exhausted! I just took the dog on a really long walk. She seemed to be done, so I brought her back.  As we are nearing our house, all of her energy returns. How does she do that?! I am flabbergasted.

I have a few small leads on jobs, but I am still secretly hoping to get the job at Subway, where I worked before. I know it is not ideal, but it is comfortable, and I really don't care about the money or the hours. At this point, all I care about is that I earn enough money to pay my bill, and get my parents off of my back. If I get a few extra bucks for bison, well, that would be even better. I don't care about the money, because I know that financial aid is supposed to pay for this next semester, and the rest of my schooling. It may not pay for my second degree in teaching, but it should carry me through my first BA.


1. eggs, various veggies....
2. I did NOT get bitten by a snake today
3. I took the dog on a long walk
4. I lifted a rock, and threw it around the yard
5. Not today
6. I slept well
7. Handstands
8. Yes
9. Well, I don't know if trying and failing to do handstands, and somersaults count as stupid. It did hurt though
10. Yes I did.

Day 17

Getting a bit repetitive with the posts. Who cares? I had a great day yesterday. It was threatened by the fact that my check has not arrived yet. I really wanted to buy elk. Oh well. Because of that, I was tempted to not go to the farmer's market, and just stay home and pout all day. At the last minute I figured that I could either be miserable at home, or go outside and be miserable. I decided on the latter. I biked up to downtown, feeling very sorry for myself.

The first bit of good news was that "Worthy Wednesdays" was back, so I got my weekly two bags of popcorn. After that, I wandered through the farmer's market, grabbing samples along the way. Nothing like fresh fruit to cheer you up. I was still feeling melancholy when I arrived at my favorite stall. Cada Dia Cheese, is fast becoming a real interest of mine. While the farmer's market only lasts a few more weeks, the production of milk lasts until November, and Pat makes cheese all year round. It is really too bad that his farm is all the way in Prineville, or I would go there and help out with the cows!

As I always do, I stayed to the side so as to not interfere with his business, and talked to him when he had time. He genuinely seems to like having me around, and he has a great personality. After a few minutes of me standing there and occasionally advertising some of the cheese for him, he asked if I wanted to go behind the counter and help him sell. hmmm....DUH! So, I washed my hands and got to work. It was difficult because it was so busy, and people expect me to know things that I am just learning myself. I had to think on my feet and learn on the job about the cheese and the customers.

I think I did relatively well, and I hope that I get offered to help again. Pat did criticize my work a bit after the farmer's market, but I had to remind him that I had never done it before, and everything was new to me.

I learned a lot about farmer's markets from working yesterday. I learned that venders often trade product with each other. They seem to have a good relationship with other venders. Without even meeting anyone else, I was accepted and teased just because I worked there. It was incredible. I would venture to guess that, with time, I would be really good at selling  cheese.

I also got offered an interpreting job, but I had to turn it down due to transportation. If I see that couple again, I will ask if they would be willing to drive me. That way, I could accept the job. I wouldn't ask for any money, just the opportunity to go to the farm with them.

I really love living here. If I didn't have my parents to worry about, I would think about moving here for good. I would have to get used to real seasons, and things closing early, etc., but I think it would be really healthy to live in a place like this.



1. Eggs and apple. Plus various foods through out the day
2. If we are talking about "bad" food, then yes, because I am fazing out the food in the cupboard. Otherwise, no poison.
3. I walked the dog. Not far, but we did go out.
4. I lifted myself. I am learning to do a handstand. I am so weak. OMG
5. With the dog....always :P
6. I slept very well
7. With the dog.
8. When I walked the dog
9. no trauma today :)
10. Sudoku

I have noticed that at least three or four things everyday involve the dog. I love that dog. :)

Day 16

So far my mood is good. I have the farmer's market today, and my mom has yet to criticize me or put me down. I am going to go on a walk, and I got to sleep with my wool blanket because of the cold last night. :) I am finding that two eggs in the morning with a banana is not enough fuel. Perhaps I should buy some sausage and put that in there?

I have decided that as part of my Paleo-transformation, and to keep me inspired to post here, I will write how I fulfilled all ten laws everyday... or how I plan to.

1. eggs (animal) and banana (plants)
2. no more ramen to eat, and I am trying to avoid poisonous feelings too.
3. Walking to the farmer's market today (45 mins. each way)
4. Push ups. Once I have the extra money, I will buy a pull up bar.
5. I will probably do that when I walk the dog.
6. I slept from 2100 last night, until 0700 today
7. With the dog? OK. On the playground? Sure
8. I will be getting sunlight on my way to the farmer's market
9.  Avoiding anything is hard to do, but for now, money. I will not spend all of my money today.
10. Sudoku here I come.

Day 15

Aaaaannnndd.....mood crash. This has gotten really old. I was doing fine until my mom decided to yell at me and tell me that I am not trying hard enough to find a job. I actually applied at three places today. I also followed up with Subway. Still waiting on that one. Grrr. At this point, I don't even care if they hire me. I just want her to give me an answer. Anyway, I thought that my parents had agreed not to pressure me anymore, because of my stress levels, but I guess only my Dad agreed to that. My mom said that he was fed up too, but I don't believe it. :/ I hope not. I thought he was on my side. Anywho, the good news is that my mom is starting the Paleo diet as well, so our eating choices should start to align soon. She bought a bunch of non paleo food a couple of days ago, because she thought I would want it. Ooops. Now that we are on the same page, hopefully that won't happen anymore. Also, I finally got the check from Walter, so that won't be keeping me up at night. I haven't gotten it out of the mail yet (been lazy, I guess). I'm afraid to. It might have less than I expect. Oh, well. I hope that tomorrow is better. I get to cash my check, and go to the farmer's market. Plus I am going to wash my linens, so fresh sheets!

Day 14

Still going strong.

I have noticed that I feel better lately. I am not sure if it is just my emotional cycle starting again (we'll see in two to three weeks) or if it is because I am striving to become the person that I want to be, instead of making excuses.

I am slowly changing the way I live, and I like it.

Day 13

           Woot Woot! I did it again. I remembered. Now that I have a  planner with dates in it, instead of just my notebook, it is much easier to remember what I need to do, and do them. (I was going to finish that sentence differently, but my mind blanked. I hate it when that happens.)
            Yesterday was such a busy day. After I wrote in my blog, and did a few other things, my mom and I went on a hike to some waterfalls about an hour away. We didn't get back until five or so, and then I went to a meetup group to play some board games. I really love that group. I have so much fun with them. Even though they are all a bit older than me, it doesn't feel like I am only hanging around senior citizens. The people there are probably in their thirties and forties. (Better than sixties and eighties, which I normally hang out with)
           I am also a part of an art group. All of them are much older than me, but I don't mind because they help me feel confident in my art. None of us are 'professional' grade artists. We have a knack for sketching (and other mediums, as I found out).
          I am proud of myself on another note as well. I downloaded a couple different Bible apps on my tablet, and now I am doing two bible plans. One is called 'chronological' I think it is meant to be the books of the bible in the order they were written, though I am not sure. I have been mostly reading Proverbs and some in Corinthians with that. The other plan is one I made up. It is to read the New Testament in a year. There are 260 Chapters in the New Testament, so even if I skip an atrocious amount of days, it is still very possible to attain my goal. After I am done with the New Testament, I will most likely be ready to move onto the Old Testament.
         I have decided that I complain about my life way too much. I am starting another blog page today entitled "My unique journey". Every time I do something that I could look at and say, "That is interesting or unique or fun etc." I will write it down. On days that I don't do anything, I will write something from my past that makes my life interesting." This will be super easy at first, because I have done a number of fabulous things in my past. Hopefully, it will help me to look at my life in a new light, and encourage me to go out and do more things with my life that I will be proud to share.

Day 12

BAM!!! Take that pattern! I remembered two days in a row. What now?!

        On another note, I think that I have been telling my animals that they are the alphas, all my life. I have been scratching under their chins. In the wild, that means the I am beneath them. On the other hand, when I pet their heads, they act more submissive, because I have told them that they are beneath ME, and that I am the alpha. People assume that domestic animals have no traces of wild instincts left if they were born in a domestic environment, but that simply is not true. Take cats: They often bring in dead mice and lizards that they hunt and kill. They cover up their waste. They claw you when you touch their exposed bellies. These are all wild behaviors. Dogs roll on their backs to show submission. They bark at any perceived danger. They often "wolf" down their food. They play tug-a-war, and pounce on toys. These are also images of their wild selves.
      In my humble opinion, animals should be raised as animals, and not as babies. They should be treated and cared for the natural way. That is all. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programs.

Hasta la vista!

 

Day 11

Oh no! It's Friday the 13th! Something bad is going to happen....No. No, it isn't. So far, I am in a wonderful mood, I made a yummy egg breakfast, walked the dog, and improved my score on Sudoku. Not to mention that I remembered to post on my blog. :) I have Top Ramen in my closet, and money in the bank, and Walter is sending me the money left over from moving. On Monday, I will call Subway, and if I don't have a response from them, I will go back to filling out apps and calling in for day labor places. Either way, I am going back to CSUN in the Spring, and I am happy today. Friday the 13th has nothing on me. BooYahhhhhhh.

Day 9/10

Or should I say 9/11? Yesterday was the twelfth anniversary of the falling of the twin towers. That, however was not the reason that I did not post. I did not post because I was a zombie yesterday. I did get out of the house, which is good, but I wasn't feeling good. Hell, I'm feeling sick right now, but at least my emotional state is better.

I have some good news, though. I called the school, and they said that I if I submit a form that tells them when I am graduating, I can still be awarded money for spring semester, and still show up. In fact, they said, I can still show up for Fall semester. :O I don't think that would work out though. I am going to talk to my parents about it, and see what we can do. Obviously, I would love to go back to college for the Fall, but I would have to do everything today and tomorrow...that would probably not work out. So, Spring semester it is! If I submit the form today, I won't hear from financial aid until November, but at least I have time to work out the details.

Day 8

Wow, I am trying so hard to keep/ start a routine, but I can never seem to do everything on my list. It's not a long list. It's not a difficult list. None of the things on the list are things that I am trying to avoid. (Normally). So, why is it so difficult to do? Am I really going to have to revert to the old way of doing things? Again? Grrrr. I think I might do it opposite this time. That is at least a bit less frustrating. Instead of starting with only one thing on the list, I will start with ten, since that is usually the number of things on my list now. Every day that I don't complete the full list, I take one item away until there is a day that I do the full list. Once that happens, I go in the other direction. Every day that I can complete the full list, I am allowed to add to the list, until it has ten items again. If I am consistently successful with ten items, then I can start taking off small items, and replacing them with bigger items. This is especially helpful because most of the things on my list now, are things that I try to do every day- i.e. walk the dog, write in my blog, do a typing test...etc. Eventually, the goal is to do these things everyday without thinking. They should become a habit.


On another note, I have been self-diagnosed with BPD. AKA Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked up several disorders and phobias, but that one seemed to fit me pretty well. The only thing is that I don't have anger problems. Other than that, I fill the bill. I have to wait to see a real psychiatrist though.