Day 30

Also known as "5 Reasons that I am a moron"
5. I forget things that are important
4. I can't take a hint
3. I think I can make things work, when I can't
2. I can't let things or people go
1. I emailed my ex, even though I'm pretty sure he forgot about me by now.

So, in March Connor and I broke up. It was a very tearful day for both of us, but he had to move, and nothing was going to change it. He made the decision and I let him. I didn't want our last day together be a fight. Since then, there have been a handful of emails between us. They are very far and few between. Only one or two have been initiated by him. The others were when I emailed him. I have thought about him almost incessantly since then. I want him in my life- even if it is not as a boyfriend. The boyfriend ship has sailed, but why must we be strangers? It isn't like we wanted to break up! If that was the case (like with Sevan) then I could understand that. Also, I still talk to Sevan and Frank. Both of them are on my FB page, and when I broke up with Frank, it was most definitely pretty. We talked after, but the initial break up consisted of me telling him to take a hike. We still talk. Maybe it is because Connor broke up with me, and not the other way around? IDK. I am pathetic. Any ways, I emailed Connor this morning, telling him how I feel. I knew that I would feel awful once I sent it, but that didn't stop me. I still did it. Now, I anxiously await his response. It could take anywhere from a few more hours, to weeks or even months before he replies; I am in knots about this. I don't know what to do.

Day 29

Today is Walter's birthday! Haha, I am planning on making old man jokes all day :P. Also, the government is shut down, because congress is having a temper tantrum, and no one knows how to act like adults and play nice there. It doesn't effect me at all yet, but I hope that it won't effect getting financial aid from the online school I plan to go to. I have decided to give up on CSUN for good. I am planning on going to WGU. It is an online school based in Utah. This means that when I get my teacher's licence, it will be for Utah. I will then have to go through California laws to get a licence to teach there. I like the way the school is set up. When you enroll in classes, you take one class at a time, and finish it at your leisure. Of course, for people like me, that want to be done as soon as possible, I can take the assessments for each class, and move on that much quicker. There are a few things that I have to take at the right pace (like classroom observation-100 hours, and student teaching- 12 to 18 weeks) for a total of about five months-ish. Aside from that, it is mostly up to me how many classes I take per term, and how fast I finish. I am going to start applying and whatnot today, so that I can enroll for the December term.

Day 27/28

I skipped yesterday because I wasn't feeling very well. I am getting better, so I thought that I ought to catch up. I have been missing company lately. Going to the tea house on Saturday nights does help, as does the Farmer's Market. However, the farmer's market is nearing it's end, and I really need people that I can hang out with spontaneously. I have been day dreaming incessantly about every boy/man I have ever liked and/or dated. Every kiss, every hug, every cutesy conversations or romantic gesture. Honestly, I feel pathetic doing it, but as horrible as it makes me feel, it is better than the lonely feeling I get when I acknowledge  that I will most likely never marry and have a family like most of my friends. As I age, I have relationships that get progressively deeper and more intense.

Unfortunately, the more I get into relationships, the less comfortable I feel being someone's girlfriend. I feel bad for them having to deal with all of my issues. Even the normal issues (like being grumpy for a few days at the end of each month, and getting mood swings). The best advice I ever got about relationships was to be yourself, and be happy with yourself as an individual first. That worked horribly in every relationship I have ever been in. I have never been happy as an individual, and when I act like myself, I scare people away or offend them. Maybe I am not meant to be in a relationship. I have always felt this way; ever since my friends started to go on dates in grade school. I knew that being in any relationship- let alone a healthy one- would be difficult or impossible for me. This fact makes me intensely depressed. It is the same way with friendships or any type of relationship. I love people, and -assuming that I didn't scare them off- they love my quirky independent personality. After awhile though, I begin to feel guilty about everything I do. I become weird and crazy (in a bad way). Then when the going gets tough, most people get going.

The brave few that stick around are rewarded with my bitching and worrying. They are rewarded with my insecurity, and with my dependency and break downs. They get the honor of seeing me panic over insignificant details and they are the ones that have to hold my hands as I fight for each breath in my quest to calm down and handle normal life. Any boyfriend I have gets the added bonus of my lack of sexual instinct and my phallophobia mixed in with the bunch.

It is a truly vicious cycle. I have social issues that make me insecure. My insecurity drives people away. When people no longer want to socialize with me, I get insecure. See how that works?

I am on a good path right now. I still have a few job options, and I am gathering some school options. If all else fails, I will rent a cheap ass room in SD and work in the school district. I will only do that if things get desperate here. If I get my way, I will get a part time seasonal job here until January, then go back to CSUN, and complete my BA.

Day 26

Sometimes people can be really awful. I know that I have been awful to people before. On the other hand, sometimes people will surprise you. Today, my mom took me cloths shopping. She was very patient with me, and for that I am impressed. It is so not easy to cloths shop with me. I know this. I almost always HATE shopping for cloths. I am very picky. It has to be exactly what I imagined in my head, match to at least two things in my closet, look good on me, be able to dress up or down, fit, feel right, and be cheap. Needless to say, I don't have very many cloths in my closet. I also buy cloths that I don't like when I really need cloths.

I cheated today on the diet. It's OK, because technically I am still on track with my plan. My breakfasts are still all eggs, with occasional fruit. Therefore, my breakfasts are still 100% paleo. On Tuesday, I will have to figure out what I am going to do for lunches, as they will need to be paleo, starting October first. O.O It's not that I have a problem with the idea; I just don't know what we have that is easy to make. I guess I will find out.

Day 25

I am getting very close to the 30 day mark. Only five more days. I will get there on Wednesday, October 2nd. Of course, after that will be my appointment with the new psychologist. I really don't like sitting in a room, talking to some professional. I don't. Last time I did that, I got worse.

Today was a very tiring day. I am starting to feel guilty about the job search thing, so I will continue on Monday again.... I have no problems with working hard. I do have a problem with working hard on something with no guarantee of a profitable outcome. That is how I feel about job hunting. I go out for hours a day, or spend hours on a computer, filling out app after app, and following up with the companies, only to be turned down again and again. If I knew that I would definitely get a job within, say... fifty applications, I would have a job already. I would work tirelessly to fill out those applications.

 I feel the same way with people. If I could say that I would find the man of my dreams within X amount of relationships, I would be married already. Also, people don't have formulas. Sometimes people act happy to see you, even if they hate you. You tell a joke, and they laugh, but if you tell the joke again, it's not funny. I just wish that there were formulas for everything. I wish that if you figured out the formula for something, you could be successful.

I don't even have a formula for myself. I don't even understand myself. How can I be expected to understand how to deal with other people???? AND on top of all of that, every person is different. So, if X works with this person in this situation, it might not work with another person in a similar situation. It might not even work on the same person in a seemingly identical situation later on down the road. GAH!

Animals are easier. Even though they all are unique, they are easier to understand than people, and quicker to learn as well. Certain breeds act this way, and certain actions bring about this response. I would say that if I were to describe animals and people in math terms, people are like theoretical physics, and animals are like algebra. Even though there are general laws in physics, people still can only guess at half of the stuff, and still end up arguing about whether or not it is right. However in algebra, the methods are different for solving a problem, but the answer is still the same.

Day 24

So, today I woke up feeling really sick. I don't want to gross you out with the details, but suffice to say, it wasn't pretty. The symptoms are off and on, and I am hoping to finish typing this before I feel badly again. Yesterday, I went to the farmer's market early to watch everyone set up. There are only two more weeks left, and that makes me a little bit sad. I mean, what am I going to do on Wednesdays now? I know that it is reasonable to realize that farmer's markets are not year round, because their product is not year round. The thing to do is get information from the ones that are year round, and buy from them if possible after the market is over. That will be very difficult, but I will try it. Of course, that is dependent on my being able to find a job, and make money. Oh, well.

I Skipped A Day, So Sue Me/ Day 23

Yesterday was a weird day for me. I spent the morning looking for a psychologist, and the rest of the day waiting for my mom to get home and work with me. I watched too much TV, but what else is there to do? My dad said to not worry about the job hunt or anything else for now, because we need to find a psychologist first.

This morning, my mom went into surgery. Don't worry, it was a minor one. They put a scope down her throat. She went under, so now she is going to sleep the rest of the day. I am looking forward to Farmer's Market again today. I am a bit nervous, because I want to help Pat again, but I don't know if I did a good enough job last time for him to ask again. Even if he doesn't, I finally have the money to buy some elk meat. :D I am also going to buy some mozzarella. I can't wait. I am going to be hungry all day.